Disclaimer: If you have not watched the season OR the reunion and you want to, please stop here. Do not read further, because this contains spoilers.
I initially intended to write about the lessons learned from each couple, but that would make for a very long article. Instead I will focus on AD and Clay for this blog because I think their dynamic presents itself most often in Black relationships. There’s been a lot of talk and opinions about this couple on Black Twitter, so what I say next may be a bit controversial but…I didn’t see Clay as the villain on this show. Do I think he could have handled certain things differently? For sure. But I do believe he showed up as honest and as vulnerable as possible and that is not always easy for Black men to do. Now this is not to make an excuse for him, obviously just because someone is honest and vulnerable doesn’t mean that they can’t be wrong in their actions. Two things can exist at the same time. That is a phrase I use often with clients, and also as a personal reminder to myself. I believe Clay really did love AD to the best of his capacity. AND while that is true, it doesn’t mean that was the love AD deserved.
RELATED: Session 325: ICYMI, Women, Agency, & Pleasure
Not having positive Black husband role models
From the beginning, Clay made it very clear that he hadn’t seen a healthy marriage, didn’t know what to expect or how to be the “right” type of husband. Though I was annoyed by how often he would bring up his dad cheating on his mom because cheating is not hereditary, I do understand how seeing a marriage of 20+ years be filled with infidelity that you were made privy to at a young age can make it difficult to understand what’s real or what purpose marriage really serves. I can’t imagine growing up in a two-parent household with parents together for over twenty years, which is highly praised in the Black community, but also to know your father cheats on your mom, brings you with him, and you’re expected to hold those secrets as a young child. Clay’s scenario is not uncommon. In fact I’ve heard a few of my clients say the same things about their childhood, that a parent would bring them along when in an affair. Which creates a space for trust issues to develop. Even when Clay’s dad appeared on the show and was called out for what he modeled to his son, his response was not having a present father to learn from. While it is fair that what is modeled for you is what you learn, when do we begin to take accountability and choose to behave differently from what we saw as children?
Not believing you are deserving of love
I think the biggest part that played a role in Clay’s behavior was not only the trust issues, but that he didn’t believe he was deserving of love. He said during the reunion, how great AD was, how she poured into him and supported him, yet he didn’t feel deserving of that and couldn’t show up for her in return. Sometimes we say we want something, but when we are on the receiving end it can be a lot more than we expected or cause us to grow in ways we weren’t ready for. Clay’s mom did a phenomenal job of breaking down what she saw her son struggling with, noting the fact that him going on the show indicates he wants a serious relationship. But his fear of being like his dad severely impacted his decision once at the altar. When someone doesn’t feel deserving of love, it doesn’t matter how much they receive, it will be hard for them to accept.
Feeling we can be the fixer, and when that doesn’t work, taking it to be a reflection of you
Clay saying no at the altar had nothing to do with AD. So it hurt my heart to see her take that to mean that she wasn’t enough for him. When in reality no matter how hard you try, you can’t love someone into being someone they don’t have the capacity to be. His lack wasn’t a challenge for her to overcome, but I feel like she – as many of us do – felt she could be the exception and change him. She admitted earlier in the season that when she sees red flags, she paints her nails red to match. With that being said, I think she knew he would have challenges. But she allowed his vulnerability and honesty to overshadow that he still had healing and work that needed to be done.
RELATED: The Impact of Social Media on Relationships
Knowing better, but not doing better
While I can understand the fear, I think Clay could not let go of the baggage from his parents that was not his to carry. Instead of operating in a space of I’m not sure if I can do this but I’m going to try, he allowed his fear to defeat him before giving the marriage a real chance. I think he loved her and could have told her where he his mind was at before they walked down the altar so they could decide in private how to move forward. He was very clear at the wedding that he wasn’t saying no to her, still wanted to be with her, but didn’t feel ready for marriage after two weeks. Which is fair in my opinion, this probably just wasn’t the show for him to go on. Which is why a lot of people feel he shouldn’t have gone on the show if he knew he wasn’t ready. But maybe he didn’t realize how much he still had to grow until he was confronted with the challenges that came with the show. Sometimes we say we want something, and then we get it and realize it’s more than we bargained for.
Regardless of if he should have went on the show or not, I am proud of the growth I saw from them both at the reunion. I felt Clay’s vulnerability and accountability was genuine and sincere. I also was proud of AD remembering her worth, not folding, reminding him that he played in her face, standing her ground, all while handling it with grace. Not to say that women have to always be gentle with men who have hurt them by any means. But I do think she was able to recognize the role she played in the pattern, and chose to show up differently at the reunion. Even though they didn’t end up together, I hope they both learned valuable lessons during the process and become better for themselves.
