Summer is finally here. You’ve prepared an itinerary of activities, venues you’re going to hit and places you are going to travel. Right as you’re packing your bags and headed out to the door, you realize you don’t have friends (or maybe even a partner) around to go with you. Maybe you moved recently, or maybe you and your friend group suddenly split up. Now you have to start building a new circle back up from scratch.
There’s nothing more anxiety inducing (for some of us) than putting yourself out there again, forcing yourself to meet new people, especially in the summertime. You’re stepping out of your comfort zone away from people who’ve known you forever. It feels risky but it is a necessary means of branching into new circles. So, how do you move past the nerves and manage your anxiety at the next cookout? Here are a four summer tips for anyone struggling to manage it out here solo.
No one says they have “too many friends”
And if they do, they’re lying, and you might not want to be friends with them anyway. So go ahead, walk up to that coworker you’ve been meaning to chat with, or that person you keep bumping into on your commute.
You’re your own worst critic When approaching new people, being critical of yourself can be a natural reaction. ‘They’re not going to like me because…” or, “I knew I shouldn’t have worn…” Understand most people don’t see you the same way. Push past that negative voice in your head.
Be vulnerable Terrifying, we get it. But most people appreciate honesty. If you approach new people prepared to be open and honest about your story with—‘hey I just moved here from…’ you give people the ability to identify with your story. It can even be a great conversation starter.
Level your expectations New, positive, and healthy relationships don’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and others.
Comments Off on 3 Simple Ways to Incorporate Mindfulness Into Your Routine
by Juliana R. Collins
When thinking about mindfulness and meditation, people generally imagine themselves sitting cross-legged on a floor, eyes shut and “omm”ing until their thoughts come to a screeching halt. This is an extremely common misconception, but the good news is that you don’t have to hold onto it for long! By definition, meditation is an umbrella term that encompasses ultimate concentration and consciousness by self-regulating the mind; mindfulness is a form of meditation where the act is focusing on being fully present. Meditating can even be done through everyday acts such as listening to music, doing yoga, or journaling. Keep in mind that the goal of meditation is not to “turn off” the mind; rather, the goal is to acknowledge thoughts and feelings that arise without getting stuck in them. Below are three simple ways to incorporate mindfulness and meditation into your routine:
Engage in a 3-minute journal exercise. Keeping a journal allows you to track patterns and growth over time. Set a timer and spend three full minutes free-writing and recording every thought that you’re able to catch, doing your best not to control your thoughts. Maybe you’ll notice a pattern or a specific theme that arose. Multiply the number of thoughts that you recorded by twenty – this is about how many thoughts you have in an hour, and it shows how quickly our minds operate without us being aware. I recommend engaging in this activity almost every morning or evening before bed; it may give you insight into how you’re truly feeling and what you’re truly thinking before the day starts, or how your day impacted you when it’s finished.
Make a Sponge list. I am subscribed to Shine, a self-care app that sends me a research-backed mindfulness tip every weekday for struggles like stress, anxiety, time management, and more. One of the tips Shine sent me this past summer was creating a Sponge list. Good vibes and energy come from two places: what we do and what we soak in. When we solely focus on what we want to “do” in a given week, we forget what we can “take” from a week too. I begin each week by either writing down these three questions or making a mental checklist: What do I want to feel? What do I want to learn? What do I want to unlearn? This helps me start my week with an intention that I aim to align myself with.
Practice mindful eating. Eating is one of the ultimate self-care practices because it’s necessary for our survival, energy, and peak levels of functioning. Our current society leaves little room to enjoy meals and actually taste the ingredients and time that went into them, especially during the week when schedules tend to be busier. Our current society also leaves little room to notice effects that food has on our feelings, figures, and hunger triggers (it takes the brain up to 20 minutes to realize you’re full) . Engaging in mindful eating can be helpful in understanding physical cues and cravings when eating. If we all we engaged in mindful eating more regularly (cue a “slow dowwwwn” echo), our brains and bodies would most certainly thank us later.
Juliana R. Collins is a licensed social worker practicing in Philadelphia, and received her Master of Social Work from the University of Pennsylvania. Currently, Juliana works as a substance abuse therapist for an intensive outpatient program at Center City Recovery LLC. Juliana is skilled in DBT practices and sexual assault counseling. To contact Juliana, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
Comments Off on The Wounds of Sisterhood: Black Women, Grief, and the Loss of Adult Friendships
by Keisha M. Wells, LPC, NCC
September 26, 2018 was supposed to be a standout day for my best friend Sharmara. I imagine we would’ve sung happy birthday (the Stevie Wonder version of course), enjoyed a great meal or big bash even—mainly just spent time together marveling at how old we are now from our first meeting as high school freshmen in 1993. We would have lovingly reflected onhow long our friendship has endured—through all the triumphs, heartaches, and “only you would understand” moments. What a day it would have been, honoring my best friend on her milestone 40th birthday. But we didn’t celebrate the way I envisioned. Six years ago, 17 days after her 34th birthday, Sharmara surrendered to a noble, four-year battle with pulmonary hypertension.
I spent this special birthday honoring my friend in her absence, tickled by the shenanigans we devised in our 19 years of friendship. Even at this stage of development, I miss her connection. I miss her severely and yet so tenderly. She is still the most kind-spirited and gracious person I know. She was the one who knew of my deepest aspirations. She was the one who saw my flaws as is and still look beyond them to dream so big for me—grander than I believed. Such bonds are so precious and needed throughout a woman’s lifetime.
Recognizing the impact of this loss prompted me to consider the different wounds Black women sustain in sisterhood, including the demise of adult friendships. The breakdown of bonds once so fierce but ultimately divided by misunderstandings, lack of commitment, or even life transitions such as budding careers, marriage, and parenthood. As a defense, some women may offer a warning about the dangers of sisterhood: See,that’s why I have more male friends. In the face of the ironclad Black-woman-bond, why do many women relate to the aching hurt and sting of the termination of friendships, particularly those that blindside and leave you cultivating your own closure? Why do relationships conclude in this way? And when they do end, how do you heal and grow through loss? The following are gentle considerations in grieving the loss of a friend.
Mourning the Loss
Acknowledge how you feel about the loss of your friendship. Resist blocking, numbing, or diminishing your emotions. Often, the end of a relationship can be a sorrowful time and you may want to move as swiftly and far from it as possible. However, relationships take time to create and in these connections are memories that may later lend to sadness, confusion, frustration, guilt, and disappointment at the relationship’s dissolution. Know your feelings about the loss are valid and deserve to be explored. Consider a safe space to identify, vent, and process your emotions such as counseling with a professional experienced in helping individuals work through loss. You may also benefit from journaling or figuratively writing a goodbye letter to your former friend to express your emotions about the course of the relationship and its ending.
Grief and Acceptance
To accept the end of a friendship doesn’t mean that you like or prefer this outcome. Acknowledging the loss doesn’t diminish how you feel about it either. Still, accepting the relationship’s status is fundamental for healing as acceptance allows you to identify how to live with this loss now that it is a reality. As you acknowledge the end you can work to create a solution to live anew without the friendship.
Vital to cultivating new friendships is the ability to identify the lessons you learned in loss and areas for self-improvement. With a balance of being open and wise, you can work to heal and foster connections that serve you well. Moving forward, consider what you need and desire most in friendship, as well as what you’re willing to offer and accept. And do just that. Remember, all friendships, current or former, are unique and not to be compared.
I know there will never be another Sharmara. Nevertheless, she taught me the value and power of sisterhood. She was the one who woke up hours before she passed just to see me and offer her parting words, “See you later, okay.” At the time, I heard her statement as a request but now I know it was really an explanation. A prepping almost. She had the last word and she was right. Just a little later, Sharmara. I will see you again.
Author’s Biography Keisha is a licensed professional counselor and owner of Transformation Counseling Services in Columbus, Georgia, which focuses on grief counseling and perinatal mental health services for mothers and their families impacted by pregnancy and infant loss, and postpartum anxiety and depression. Keisha is an advocate and writer, contributing to articles in Essence Magazine, The New York Times, Bustle, and Elite Daily. Connect with and follow Keisha on Facebookand Instagram.
Graduation season came and went; a season marked by major transition, lot’s of excitement, and definite celebration. Let’s say you’re the one that graduated. You spent years working toward a goal. The time came. Now it’s gone. While you should absolutely be enjoying the fruits of your labor, you’re not without some growing pains. While this time is marked by lots of celebration, you could be feeling apprehensive, confused, and even depressed.
At least a few emotions indicate the entrance into a new phase of life whether you, specifically, are graduating or simply experiencing a separate major milestone (a wedding, birth of a child, new job etc.) This season is characterized by life changes and it’s crucial to equip yourself with the proper tools to manage the emotional shift. Here are at least 8 things you should look out for and implement during the summertime transition that could greatly impact your life post-graduation and set you up for success: Breathe.
So first, there’s a natural coming down of adrenalin that happens when you finish big projects. You’ve spent so much time working on this thing that, at times, felt like would never end and now it’s done. Then there are ceremonies, parties, dinners and it is pretty nonstop for a while. You’ll probably have a wave of emotions related to saying goodbye to friends who have become a large part of your life. And then, abruptly, it’s all over. You’ll suddenly have a bunch of time on your hands and may even feel like you don’t know what to do with yourself. Before you try to fill the space with unnecessary noise – breathe. Feeling bored or like you’re not doing enough is not uncommon and you don’t need to beat yourself up over feeling down, even though everyone else feels like you should be on top of the world. If you feel like a sobbing mess allow yourself to feel those authentic feelings. If you’re confused about what’s going to happen next, call a friend, go to dinner, process your thoughts with someone who cares about you. Know you’re not the only one feeling this way and that the feeling will likely pass as you get a little distance from all the celebrations.
You may have some concerns related to not finding the dream job right away. It’s important to remember most people don’t retire from the job they started straight after undergrad. Beginning one job now does not mean you’ll never have your dream job, or you’ll be there forever. It’s more important to interrogate what makes something a dream job. Can you find some of these same qualities in another job, internship or volunteer project? Could these opportunities potentially open more doors for you to land the dream job?
Give up on the comparison game
You might be comparing yourself to others, whether it be on social media or live and in action. People all around you are embarking on new adventures and it’s easy to consider someone else’s grass, #goals. In reality however, most of our social media feeds show the highlight reel and not the full story. Try to manage your tendency to want to create a better story around someone’s picture than their actual reality. Like the pic and move on. It might also help to do some journaling if you notice your mood being impacted by what you see on social media. What comes up for you as you see pictures of others moving into their new fancy apartments or taking great vacations? This could give you a good place to start to do some digging about changes you might need to make to feel better about what’s going on in your life.
You might be worried about having to pay back loans. Unfortunately, Sallie Mae (or whoever your lender is) may start calling and emailing shortly after your degree is conferred. Try not to get into default in paying back your loans. Instead, look into deferment or forbearance options that might give you a little more time to start paying back.
It’s easier said than done. You might feel caught off guard about the lack of structure and stability that school provided. For about 17 or 18 years now, there has been a certain rhythm to your life. Go to class, do your homework, eat some lunch, hang out with friends, repeat. And, even though your college years gave you a bit more freedom, now that you’re done. Your schedule really will require you to be disciplined and accountable. There won’t be any loss of points for coming in late or a grace period because you ran out of time. It’s now incumbent on you to figure out what’s important to you and map out your days accordingly.
Do you have an idea or tip you want to share with the us about making a major transition (new school, new job, etc.) make sure to share it in the comments or on social media using the hashtag #tbginsession.